the smallessssst of steps

 what's the mantra? kuzkoooooooooooo. no. 

if it's hard, start small. life can be a series of small, curious and interesting steps. i want to make my family happy. i want to be okay. and i will be okay so long as i remain constantly healthily productive. what is productive is what i wanted to do and is good for me. when it comes to learning, learning is effective when its spaced, active, association-based and difficult. learning is productive when its focused, fun and planned. before my exams, i want to have created comprehensive tests for every topic for myself. i want to have created comprehensive, complexly inter-connected, mindmaps for every topic. i want to have created a well-hit recall spreadsheet. i want to win my small battles in trying to start studying as fast as healthily possible. i want to win the small battles in trying to study with focus, in trying to control my impulses, and in trying to gradually lengthen my attention span. i want to feel like I'm making significant progress in every module every day. i want to pass these exams. i want to survive. i. will. survive. on a more general note, i want to live life like water.  easy, tension-less, congruent, and sure, even though water doesn't know what to be sure of. i want to flow when going to where i have to go comfortably, naturally, willingly. i want to flow easy. i'd rather not move forced and in pain. who would? life is like a tennis match, best when played like water flowing.

nice mantra. 

small step #1: spend 5 minutes on IOE evidence. focused!

a little bit disappointing. I'm not sure whether i needed to do what i did but it cost me time. focus 6/10. achievement 5/10. only went through the subheadings of the lecture. well... i did only have 5 minutes. okay.  achievement 8/10.

small step #2 (this is kinda fun): spend 5 minutes on the land registration lecture.

I'm gonna give myselffffff, focus 7/10. yeah. i wasted a minute on looking at things other than the LR lecture, like the LR notes i have. achievement 7/10. went through the headings and recalled what they mean. 5 minutes, not bad. 

small step #3 (alrighttt, I've been dreading this one. but it's gotta be started): spend 5 minutes going over company law lecture on veil and tort.

I'm a little confused but i got the spirit. okay, I'm very confused. it's hardly familiar. but! I'm encouraged because a lot of it feels like, makes more sense, now, than it ever did, for some reason. it sounds right. it sounds interesting. wow. okay. 

I'm gonna book the court for tomorrow, one sec. aight booked! took a while.

small steppu #4ru (i like not looking at the time, it's quite nice. makes me wonder how big a problem that's actually been and how much that's contributed to everything): spend 10 minutes going over the rest of viking line, EU.

oh? it's been 10 minutes? either that or i forgot to set a timer... nah it feels like over 10 minutes. but that's good, hey! full immersion. focus (10/10). i don't remember drifting or picking at my finger or whatever even once. achievement 6/10. I'm kinda slow. my spelling and whatnot doesn't need to be pretty, y'know? but i spend a lot of time on that. i could've been faster at getting to the point. my notes need to be shorter. i don't need so many words. i don't need so many quotes! if i need quotes ill get them! it's not like I'm gonna remember them! screw quotes. embrace gists! 

good job, anyways I'm gonna hit the hay. focus nightly routine! target: go to bed as soon as healthily possible.

small steps. small steps.

small step #1: 5 minutes of Goods outline. prioritise intense focus.

well done! 8/10 in focus. you got sidetracked momentarily twice, though the first time wasn't your fault. 10/10 in achievement. you finished the outline and understood it.

small step #2: 8 minutes of the citizenship outline. intenseeee focus. 

that was. amazing. 10/10 for focus. more even. that was amazing. so much thought. so immersed. not a single thought away from the topic at hand. there were so many connections i was making i actually arrived at a premature conclusion. i could feel the tensions in the topic. i understood what was potentially irreconcilable, and what was potentially reconcilable dependant on the answers of a few questions. what is EU citizenship for? and is there a point to having an interim EU citizenship that doesn't go all the way? there are valid concerns to national autonomy and welfare, and it doesn't feel like those can be pushed away. even if immigration is positive as a whole in the EU, it may not be in certain countries, and that's unavoidable. maybe the EU can compensate those countries! that sounds like an easy fix! hey! okay, well how about culturally? huh? well I'm tempted to say you countries should suck it up. culture is dynamic and there are plenty of way to protect the past whilst moving into the future. but that's not satisfying. hmmmm. 

anyways, achievement 10/10. even though i went like, 10 minutes past the timer. 

gonna check whatsapp.

okay I'm gonna go home now. hungry and cold. focussedddddd. 

i want to win my small battles in trying to start to study as healthily fast as possible. cycle. cook. eat. shower. study. Go Go Go!!!

i won't defer. i will survive!

i will survive! goddamnit! ughhhh surviving's gonna be tough though. let me see actually if i actually have 3 attempts for every paper. maybe i shouldn't have read that because now I'm terrified. candidates who don't meet the progression requirements as set out in paragraphs 11 and 12 fail the degree. fail the degree. fail. the. degree. oh my god. I'm fighting for my survival. pass pass pass! candidates who fail a year two subject and meet the progression criteria must resit in the IRDAP period. i can't do that! candidates with a fail mark that achieve a particular class of honours will be awarded honours below that they would otherwise receive. i.e.: if i fail one, and get four firsts, i will get a second upper. if i fail one and get a second upper, I'll get a lower second! NOOO. cannot! fruck i have to pass. 

mantra. i am zen. i am calm. i am so much more capable than i fear i am. learning is effective when it is spaced, active, association-based and difficult. learning is productive when it is fun, focussed and planned. 

what i need to aim for: pass in EU, 2.1 in company, first in property, first in evidence

how long do i have?: 11 days (including today) before EU, 23 days before evidence, 30 days before property and 32 days before company.

what's the most effective way to learn everything fast, but also remember everything well, and also think critically about and inter-associate everything they've learned?: 

1. spaced, active, association-based and difficult study techniques
1. i.e.: (SPACED) make a dent in all 4 modules everyday. 
2. (ACTIVE) don't do anything passively. form notes in the form of questions that ask "what's the point? what's the significance? what's the connection?
1. from pre-reading, any relevant questions? 
1. then scan only for the answers.
2. from a paragraph ask, what's the point? why is it important? what is it relevant to? is this a strong or weak point? is this a point i agree with?
1. WIRSA? 
2. this, you either continue reading to find out, or you have to think critically yourself, maybe connecting the paragraph to another paragraph, or to another reading or another point
1. target: comprehensive and complete tests of the topics. 
3. (ASSOCIATION-BASED) after thinking about a point, ask, "where does this point fit in the bigger picture? i.e.: if i described the topic in a mindmap, what would this point connect to and what would it look like?"
1. after fleshing out a point, add it to the larger mindmap of the topic, trying to make as many connections as possible?
1. target: comprehensive, complete, and complexly interconnected mindmap of all chapters.
4. (DIFFICULT)
1. recall! recall! recall!
2. dedicate some time everyday to a chapter you've already learnt!
1. from your question-based notes, test yourself of the answers.
2. from your mindmap, test yourself of the connection. 
3. what's difficult? rewiring your brain. 
1. you have problems. 
1. short attention span
2. poor impulse control
2. battle #1: beginning to study
1. focus in your morning routine
2. focus when taking breaks
3. focus in your bedtime routine
3. battle #2: studying
1. focus in your study timers
2. impulse control - drifting thoughts and bad physical habits
3. short attention span control. 
4. target: the same strict routine every day that is highly productive (i need this to survive) but healthy, sustainable, intuitively and practically easy to follow, and will-power wise, something i will want to implement. 
1. things i cannot care about: what time i wake up. what time i go to bed. go to bed when you're sleepy and not just tired.
2. things i have to care about: how much I've gotten done. my well-being. what i can do to keep the system going. 
3. .
5. battle strategy #1: the battle to start studying
1. morning routine (at whatever time) 
1. focus. as fast as you can, get through ready in the morning and begin studying. 
2. breaks
1. focus. chill. but do not take more time than you know you need. 
3. bedtime routine. (only when sleepy)
1. focus. as fast as you can, go to bed. 
2. .
6. battle strategy #2: the battle to study effectively
1. maintain focus by repetitively defeating your impulses and gradually increasing your attention span. 
1. grade your study sessions out of 10 in terms of focus and achievement in your blog. do not have study sessions go on for too long.
2. maximise recall by studying, in short sessions, every module in succession, then having a recall session (of anything you last recalled a while ago), then repeat.
1. e.g.: eu, evi, comp, prop, recall, evi, prop, comp, eu, recall...
2. target: a well-hit recall spreadsheet

what's your mantra? quick!

if it's hard, start small. life can be a series of small, curious and interesting steps. i want to make my family happy. i want to be okay. so long as i am constantly healthily productive, i will be okay. something is productive if its what i wanted to do and is good for me. learning is effective when its spaced, active, association-based and difficult. learning is productive when its fun, focused and planned. 

yes. anything to add to this mantra?

i want to create comprehensive tests for every topic. i want to create comprehensive, complexly inter-connected mindmaps of every topic. i want to create a well-hit recall spreadsheet. i want to win my small battles to start studying as fast as healthily possible. i want to win my small battles to study with focus, to control my impulses, and to gradually increase my attention span. i want to make progress in every module everyday. i want to pass all my modules. i want to survive. i will survive. 

i want to flow like water. to be easy, comfortable, congruent, and tension-less in everything i do, and to flow to where i have to go, do what i have to do, easily, willingly, and with purpose. life is like a tennis match, best when like water flowing.

small steps

if it's hard, start small. life can be a series of small, curious and learning-filled steps. i want to make my family happy. so long as i constantly think about my work, am constantly mindful and present, and am always productive in a healthy way, i will be okay. 

that last one is difficult.

small step #1: go over your IM notes from yesterday. 10 minutes. prioritise being focussed. no finger picking. no drifting. 

veryyyyy good. very good. i had to go beyond the 10 minute timer to finish the task, but good. focus 9/10. picked my finger and drifted at the same time only once. realised and stopped immediately. in 2 seconds. didn't do it again. was vigilant the whole time against the possibility that i might drift. goal 8/10. finished what i wanted to do, even went past the timer to do it. struck, not 10/10, 8/10, because i should be giving myself more realistic goals. 

gonna continue laundry, check whatsapp and drink.  

well done, for the most part. all morning and afternoon you've done nothing but things you wanted to do and were good for you. hmmmmmm I'm feeling so blegh. come on come on come on. ahhhhhhhhh. good shout

QUICK what's your mantra? I'm thinking of making some additions. something is productive if it's what you want to be doing and is good for you. work should be fun, focussed and planned in detail. learning should be spaced, active, association-based and difficult. 

okay, so the mantra is: 

if it's hard, start small. 

life can be a series of small, curious, learning-filled steps. 

i want to make my family happy. 

so long as i think about work constantly, don't oversleep, and am always healthily productive, i will be okay. 

something is productive if it's what you want to do and is good for you. 

learning is effective if its spaced, active, association-based and difficult. 

DO NOT DEFER. IT WILL NOT BE GOOD FOR YOU. DEFERRAL MEANS TELLING THEM. DEFERRAL MEANS THE STRESS OF APPLYING AND WAITING. DEFERRAL MEANS THE STRESS OF THINKING ABOUT IT FOR 3 MONTHS. DEFERRAL MEANS THE STRESS OF APPLYING AGAIN AND WAITING AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH A MUCH SMALLER LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS. DEFERRAL MEANS THE STRESS OF KNOWING YOU MIGHT HAVE TO PAY THOUSANDS OF RM TO COME TO LONDON FOR A WEEK. DEFERRAL MEANS HAVING TO ASK DADDY FOR THAT. NO WAY. NO WAY. FUCK THAT. THAT'S WHAT DEFERRAL MEANS. DEFERRAL IS TOO MUCH STRESS. JUST PASS COMPANY LAW. 

just pass it. even your worst essay was a 3rd class, and you remember clearly how bad that essay was. failing is impossible. 

for learning to be effective it must be spaced, active, association-based and difficult. 

an hour of company law a day keeps the failure away. keeps the stress away. 

an hour of EU law a day keeps the failure away. 

the rest of the time? property and evidence. many hours of both a day keeps the firsts in mind. 

do not defer. 

small steps

 repeat the mantra. if its hard, start small. life can be a series of small, curious, learning-filled and ufn steps. i want to live for mommy, for daddy. no, no, there isn't a strict obligation, but i do want to keep them happy. i'd rather not make them into shades of themselves. i'd rather not hurt them if i can help it. so i will live. live. live.  and live. oh my god.  stop. you're doing it again fucking extra amygdala synapses. you're dwelling too much on the future, on the possible negative. yes, i understand its a definite negative, but that's not a productive thought. theoretically, it can be all positive small steps. amygdala fuck you. think about the now. 

i want to just do one thing: spend five minutes reading this paper. I'll get back to you once I'm done. 

okay I'm done. 5 minutes are up. that's my first step of the day. how'd it go? not very well. 1/10. spent 4 minutes picking at my finger. spent a sparsed out minute sleepily, passively, hovering over the words I'm meant to understand, thinking about how behind i am in my understanding and all i must do, instead of what it is the words actually mean. 

looking at whatsapp for a bit.

what's the most important bit of the mantra again? as long as i constantly think about my work, and don't oversleep (+don't undersleep, just keep a regular sleeping schedule) and stay mindful, always, i will be okay.

second small step of the day: explore, broadly, the essential reading for the IM topic

done. focus 6/10. i still picked at my finger quite a lot. still thought about other things quite a lot. goal 2/10. i only got past a revision of half the topic outline. i haven't gone through any of the readings. 

I'm checking whatsapp again.

screw notes. screw notes. I'll do what i love and what I'm good at. rereading, but with a twist. re-understanding. re-testing my understanding. i do that 4 times with the ER and skim the further readings, and i'll be set for a 2.2. 

i do that 4 times with the ER AND FR for evidence and property and a first is in the bag. 

i do it twice with property and a pass is in the bag. 

third small step? wait I'm not ready. whats the mantra? small step small step. its hard. fuck you amygdala! fuck you finger pricking habit! if its hard, start small. do it for their happiness. ugh. might have to remove that from the mantra, its more annoying than it is helpful. life can be a series of small, curious steps. that's true. life is beautiful. its a beautiful thing. okay, small step. 

small step 3: go over IM broadly, whilst trying your best to focus. 15 minutes

done. that was better. focus: 6/10. i stopped myself from picking at my finger several times. it was hard. i stopped myself from thinking about irrelevant things several times. was also hard. but i couldn't help but get distracted listening to the conversation immediately next to me. maybe i should go somewhere quieter? no they've stopped. 

checking whatsapp.

woah woah. i feel an immense pull away from my laptop. i recognised it. i suddenly felt repulsed. i suddenly felt like walking to tesco. i rode it out. it honestly, honestly, felt impossible to resist for 20 seconds. 

small steps. what's your mantra. if its hard. that was hard. start small. life is beautiful, and can feel beautiful when lived in small, curious steps. life. huh. small steps. 

small step #4: go over IM broadly, for 10 minutes, and try your best to get focus 10/10. 

that was really good. well done. i tried to pick at my finger like 8 times, but each time i stopped myself within a second. i drifted many times but each time i stopped myself. i was very focussed for 8 minutes, until the couple beside me started talking again. then i couldn't think. but they stopped and i continued for another 5 ish minutes. 

focus 8/10. it'd be so wonderful to go 10 minutes without stopping 8 times to pick my finger, and many times to stop drifting. and i need to find a quieter place to study. goal 7/10. i didn't go through the ERs, but i had very quality thoughts about the topic outline. 

checking whatsapp. 

okay i spent 5 minutes feeling my way back into the mood. to take a small step. 

here's small step number 5: move somewhere quieter, then go over the Viking Line case for 15 minutes. throughout everything, focus 10/10!

I'm very proud of myself. effort:10/10. i tried really hard. I'm getting better at focusing. i only instinctively picked at my finger and drifted off into irrelevant thought 4 times, each time i stopped relatively quickly. by the end i was slightly more hazy but i pulled back and finished the work. 

focus 9/10. for a longer time too! i think that was 20 minutes. 4 or 5 suppressed distractions per 20 minutes is a very good start. goal 8/10. i didn't get very far in the case but i understood the facts and the central issue at hand very well. much better than i initially did.

good 5 steps!!!!!!!!

very proud. :)

I'm gonna play squash now, but before i go, what's the mantra again?

if it's hard, start small. life is beautiful, and can be felt as beautiful if lived in small curious and fun steps. if its hard, and what today has shown, it can get easier with effort, start small. 

internal vs external pressure

the motivation to work must first and foremost come from yourself. at the same time, you must have people and measures to help keep you accountable to your goals and to help steady you in times you can't do so for yourself. adam thought of my Instagram strategy - the one in which I post daily work reports to my friends and family - as toxic. he said it created too much external pressure and shifted motivation away from myself and to others. 

he's right. this is the same problem i had in early 2021. 

anyways, it's not a huge problem, i'll just be more chill from now on. it helps that i don't force myself to say anything in detail, that if i don't get any work done in a day i can hide behind the "C" grade i give myself. it's important that i continue posting. i need a way to ensure that 10-day slumps in which i don't get anything done don't happen again. but it's equally important that i ensure that the primary source of my motivation comes from within, and that i stay genuine and kind to myself. 

it looks like i have a few hours before i have to head to the marshall building for squash with adam, so i'll get a bit of work done.

_________________________________________________________

journal! 

i completely forgot! i. am. grateful. i am. genuinely and honestly. i have friends, which isn't something i could always say. i have people in my life, many people, that i know love me. i know what love is and that in itself is wonderful. they care for me, and i for them. i care. another thing i haven't always been able to say. i don't feel miserable today. i don't feel overwhelmed. i know i'm unlikely to achieve all firsts in the coming exams and yet i'm quite alright, because i know that i can get all 2.1s. an hour and a half on EU law for the next month will be more than enough to get to grips with everything. enough time to ponder all further readings and play with essay plans. three and a half hours a day on company law, and two and a half on evidence and property for the next 50 days will be enough to memorise the black letter law and grapple with the further readings. i can't make any promises about essay plans, though. and i think that's okay. i've proved, i think, 10 times - wow, 10 times - before that i don't need to do essay plans to get a 2.1. i will feel alright. 

sitting by the glass-paned door in the lower floor of the Marchmont Costa, watching as the green leaves outside rustle in the gentle march wind, vibrant in colour and life against the bright, blue sky. 

___________________________________________________________

weekly planning? anything.... not really. nothing to book. in fact, i need to refund my monday and tuesday bookings.

they didn't pick up. i'll go there in person since it's stopped raining. but before that, i'll practice my serves.

___________________________________________________________

today

130-2 - serves

2-230 - lsesu refund

230-5 - study

5-6 - squash

7- dinner

8-10 - study (till i study the daily minimum for all subjects)

_____________________________________________________________

tomorrow i think i'll come to the sports hall at 8 to practice hitting

damn i can't do that. it's booked at 8 everyday to the 29th. can i hit after 9pm? pls pls pls

i just realised i've been blogging as johanbfaisal@gmail.com, wrong one

 journal

hey. no, i'm not that anxious anymore. I've gotten back into it. it's 7.50, almost 8. today's a pretty good day. grateful for the good start. grateful for the support network i have: the bromunists; hamzah; my sisters. they're all rlly helpful. it's almost a magic bullet that solves all my problems, my support network along with my schedule. 

grateful grateful. 

attack plan

alright. today, tomorrow, Friday we have everything set up - an hour of sports already organised. saturday, none, but we can think of something on the day, maybe iftar. yep iftar at Malaysia hall on saturday. sunday tennis for two hours with mildrid - we can shorten that to one hour. shorten sunday tennis session to one hour. sports next week? book sports for monday and tuesday.

done. 

today, we're gonna go as we feel. we're gonna try get 4.5 hours done. then lunch. maybe. then another 4.5 hours hopefully. i hope we end the day at 6. 

Saturday is such a strange word

 it is. thinking about ariadne. wondering how she's doing. if she's doing alright. how she's managing with all her family troubles. thinking about pasiphae. surely her story gets better, right? i can't imagine an eternity of emptiness. she has died a divine death. i cringe when she cringes, i shudder to think of what pain she must have endured. poseidon you prick. minos you deluded misogynist. everyone is so high and mighty. there is much to learn from leaders who don't glitter. hank, I'm sorry for your loss. 

pity for the minotaur. pity for minos. pity for the gods. it applies to all. a swelling anger towards the notion that there is greater reason behind so much cause for pity. 

an albert camus styled anti-natalist story. one that reads as easy as the stranger. 

but no, i don't think it's morally necessary for humanity to end. it's just morally necessary for humanity to stop causing more suffering than it must. people can still have children, i guess. but then again, i can't judge a human like an animal when a human can consider the consequences to their decision to have children - specifically consequences on the child. no. they can't. 

i think this, but i too want children. for myself. and im proving my point. but maybe also for the child. maybe also to do good in this world by doing good to a child. but no, i still don't think it makes sense. i think its hard to argue that life is more good than not. that the unborn would like to be born. i think life is great and full of blessing arguments forgets that life is, at every point, even at its bests, full of insecurity. maybe I'm arguing the wrong point. i am. the better point is that the good parts aren't worth the bad. and that there's no virtue in bringing new life to the world and making their life good. you're not fixing anything. the fact is that they wouldn't have minded not being born. you're depriving them of the good you're gonna do them? they're not alive! they don't care! the proportion of good in the world will be increased in you doing so? if they end up living a life of more good than bad then what you say is true. still, what you say isn't important because its not good. I'm struggling to find the words to express why i think its a dumb argument. i suppose the words are these: it doesn't matter. the good you bring into the world through nurturing new life is false good. good that is good to no one but that new life, that wouldn't have needed the good had they not been born. and as for the good that new life brings to others? perhaps there is more strength in that argument. "i want to have children so that my children can bring good to the world". i'll have to think about that. i have some responses but they're not killer. m first response is: you still shouldn't because there is too much risk that that won't happen. my second response is: you can do the same by nurturing children already born. my third response is: no, actually, there is no third response. the third response is what I'm looking for, because the first two are insufficient. too easy to dismiss. i can feel it. it's there. it's on the tip of my frontal cortex. I'll express it one day.

how do people become better at critical thinking? i wish i was better. i read but i find i read passively. i don't engage. maybe i should use this blog to consider what I've read. hmmm. 

what i read abt yesterday: andrew state and masculinity, and why it appeals so much to young men, how there is something legitimately there that is missing in our culture, something actually beneficial that state offers, that we need to create a good substitute for. that thing is the feeling that they lack purpose, and drive to pursue that purpose. it's a difficult question to find balance to. i struggle to find balance everyday. we need to do. but at the same time, remember to take care of yourself, and that you don't really need to do if you don't want to, and that you need to stop doing things for others. still, we need to get things done. oh its so confusing. i have yet to find a satisfactory answer to the conundrum that reconciles the demand to get things done and the reminder to do things for oneself and remember to focus on what really matters. maybe the difficulty is peculiar to me, because i don't think anything matters. inherently. maybe the answer is: find things you yourself are passionate for, find what really matters to you, and get things done for that purpose. Adam said he doesn't think you can be happy in work you don't find interest in. i disagreed at the time but I'm starting to agree. what's another word for starting to agree?

i also read ariadne, as you can tell. do i objectify women? i certainly cling onto cute girls for an extra second if accidentally make eye contact, but then i do that to good-looking guys too. 

what it got me thinking about is that i somewhat, sometimes, regret being as apolitical, and apathetic about oppressed groups' problems as i am. reminds me of that time i said to zul that i agree those who don't fight systemic racism, whilst benefitting from it, are part of the problem. they allow it. he disagreed. do people not in the oppressed group have a responsibility to help solve their problems? will have to think about that.

anyways, I've wasted an hour. happy saturdays. but i got to get things done. 

________________________________________________________________

grateful: for the week thus far. it's been good. i haven't felt overwhelmed in over a week. yesterday wasn't the best - evi class was painfully silent - but it was good. attended everything, came to everything prepared and answer questions. more of the same please. i can do well for this exam. yeah! i can do well!!!!! i can get all firsts!!!! it's humanly possible. lmao. dom wth. grateful... to have a better understanding now of the path i want to take: pro bono over the whole of next year; i need to do relevant work experience over the summer; i need to do v well for my exams; i need to do v well in maintaining a v productive study schedule over the next two months. 

it begins everyday. it begins today.

____________________________________________________________

to do:

lunch

1 - 1.40 - pre-lecture-prep

1.45 - 3.45 - EMU lecture

3.45 - 4.- lecture notes consolidation

4.05 - 4.45 - reading session 1

____________________________________________________________

oh my god. why can't i be bothered? it's 1.12 and i haven't started.

i know why: because I underslept; i just ate a large meal; and my mind would rather continue watching tennis videos. 

i'm back. okayyy breathe. we have to prepare for the eu law class on Monday.... we have today, which is another 3 hours and 50 minutes.... we have tomorrow from lunch to 8..... we have Monday from 8 to 11am...we have 13 hours..... but preferably i don't want to use Monday for EU at all, so we have 10 hours.... ah shit dinner tomorrow with Muhammad, we have until 6pm tomorrow.... so have to be strict on tennis after 11 and lunch and shower. but I'll probably start at 2 anyways... ughhhhhhhhahh! i'm feeling like caps lock right now. 4 hrs today. 4hrs tomorrow. 3hrs before class. this isn't enough time to be sufficiently ready for class. and then lunch on Monday. 2-6 lectures... ugh..... okay. i can't finish all the readings. i need to prep for both eu and property. today is EU. that lecture is mine. 4hrs of EU. tomorrow is 2hrs of EU and 2hrs of property. monday is 3hrs of EU in the morning, and 2hrs of property after lectures. tuesday is 3 hrs of property in the morning and property class. okay. can do. 

1.30 - 2.40 - lecture prep

2.45 - 4.45 - emu lecture

4.50 - 5.10 - notes consolidation

and go!

The Streak is Broken, This must be Thursday.

"This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays" - Arthur Dent in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - and a few minutes the earth is destroyed.

I haven't read the book, though I've heard from many sources that it's a must read. I just couldn't think of any connection Thursday has to pop culture and found this on Wikipedia. It's so apt! Or, appropo. A new word I found in some book I read. Can't remember which. 

The HC9.25BS rule is so important. Night time is, i think now, the most important part of the schedule. i messed it up on Monday and overslept till 10.44, 4 hours late. i slept late on Tuesday night and arrived at school yesterday at 9.30, almost 10. 2 hours late. i slept at 3 last night and woke up today at 11.30, arrived at school at 1, and only just started writing this at 2.20. I'm 6 hours late today. 

from Monday to now (2 on a Thursday), i've lost 12 hours to a poor sleep and wake schedule. 

that's 3 hours a day. that's like if my schedule was to start at 11. poor poor. 

you wondered how people got things done in the week? you wondered how your batchmates are able to prepare for every class? this is how. they have strict sleep schedules. 

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how to fix my sleep and wake schedule...

1. electronic curfew

• maybe a new rule should be, you cannot use your phone for anything; i.e., whatsapp or tennis or news or football, once you arrive home and walk through the front door. 
• finish all notifications and checks before arriving home
• the phone must be turned fully off before entering
• the phone must be charged and kept in the kitchen cabinet
• if you need it
• tell and ask kakngah

2. avoid eating large meals 2-3 hours before bed?

• if you sleep at 9.30, last large meal is at 7.30?

3. avoid physical activity to close to bed time

4. maintain a clean, calm room. 

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to do

1. notes consolidation

2. eu and governance chpt 7 reading session 1...

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it's 8.48pm now, i did notes consolidation and read a bit from eu law and governance, but i haven't finished.

9 - 9.40 - eu law and governance reading session 1 (pre-read: headers, then first and last sentences; then skim skim skim)

9.45 - 10.25 - Dano (pre-read and skim skim skim)

10.30 - 11.10 - De Witte (pre-read and skim skim skim)

11.15 - 11.55 - V.M.A (pre-read and skim skim skim)

12.00 - 12.40 - Right to Silence lecture notes revision

12.45 - 1.25 - Abenaa (pre-read and skim skim skim)

1.30 - 2.10 - R v D (pre-read and skim skim skim!)

sleep.

study with hamzah 8-9, class, evidence prep, class, lecture, chillax. 

both the meme and the show, it's wednesday

i am so, so, so, so grateful for this blog right now. It's strange. I opened my school work to start the day and I was feeling so bitter about it. ugh, i have to do work and i don't want to do work right now. at least not yet. i haven't even done anything fun in the day and I have to work. that's not really true, i was laughing to Dear Hank and John for a while just now, i for 2 minutes just now that's how i felt. and then I remembered, wait a minute, I'm not supposed to do work just yet! I'm supposed to blog for a bit! that's right! i find this really fun. many times i think that if I were two people, i'd be best friends with myself. a much better friend to myself than i am in my current consciousness-self relationship. 

anyways, journal dournal. 

it's Wednesday my dudes. yesterday went fairly well. went to an hour's class, great. did about 5 hours of studying, wonderful. grocery shopped. followed all my rules at home, didn't procrastinate my bedtime routine, amazing. but. i overslept (1). i woke up at 10:44 when i was supposed to wake up at 6:30. I forgot to set an alarm and slept for 13 straight hours. (2) i went to bed at 11:30, not 9:30, causing me to wake up today at 7:50. but i wasn't procrastinating, i was mealprepping and shopping. not sure the fix there. (3) i left for school at 9:30, not 8:30, when I could have really done that. that was procrastination. it was snowing and i couldn't bear the idea of cycling in the snow. so i ended up waiting a bit and cycling in the rain. haiya. altogether, (1)(2) and (3) took out six hours of otherwise school time. so this is how people become ultra productive. can you imagine someone who can pull off perfect days many, many, days in a row? everything would become so easy. maybe that's what's in store for me. maybe that's how i get a first in these law exams. maybe, hey, that's how i become friends with my professors?

i wonder if anyone here manages to do that. maybe no one does. i see the gap. this is how i become the best law student in my lse cohort. 

ah! no I'm feeling down again, no! what i am grateful for, is how much I'm already doing! AND, and this is important to remember when improving at something, how much i have improved, because i have! (1) I don't dread the day anymore so much so that I choose to lay in bed for hours after I wake up. (2) I don't procrastinate for so long on my phone in my room for so long that I end up doing no work, whatsoever in the day. (3) I don't choose to skip my lectures anymore, and I don't skip my classes anymore. (4) I have stopped oversleeping by a lot. the open-door rule worked! (5) i have killed my addiction to youtube, Instagram, and all kinds of doom-scrolling. the app bans, accountability buddy system and phone-in-kitchen rule worked! (6) i am much more connected to my family and friends than I was a month ago, and last semester. the Instagram stories are a great idea! (7) i did like, 8 hours of work on Monday, and 6 hours of work yesterday. that's a massive, massive improvement to how productive I used to be. 

i'm on the rise. summer exams here i come. 

sebastian, i'm gonna frickin' ace your EU law class. 

god, if my EU law class goes well this week, I will be so, so happy. you don't know how happy it would make me. you don't understand how anxious EU class has made me. how small it's made me feel. how sad i get after EU class. how stupid i feel to everyone. how inadequate. 

i need this class to go well. i need it to. for my confidence. 

this is what will happen: EU class will be amazing, and then Evidence class will be spectacular. why? because for both classes I will have done (1) pre-lec-prep (2) lecture notes (3) lecture notes consolidation and review (4) pre-essential reading prep (class questions, quizzes, headers) (5) essential reading notes (6) essential reading notes consolidation and review (7) class questions.

one sec, i forgot to message edmund that i don't have time for the Christian thing today. 

i decided against cancelling. it'll be my motivation to study as much as i can for as long as i can before 6pm. 

let's see what i can get up to!

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11 - 1 - eu citizenship lecture notes

1 - 1.30 - lecture notes consolidation and review

 I ate so much, so no lunch break. i have jelly donuts to eat

1.30 - 2.30 - pre-essential reading prep (I'm not entirely sure how long this will take, but I'll try do it comprehensively but quickly)

2.30 - 3.15 - reading session 1

3.15 - 4 - reading session 2

4 - 4.45 - reading session 3

4.45 - 5.30 - reading session 4

5.30 - 6 - notes consolidation and review

annnnddd go!

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I need to revise this schedule a bit.

2.20 - 3 - lecture notes 

3 - 3.30 - lecture notes consolidation

grab my laptop from kaklong, eat lunch. retake that photo.

4.30 - 5.30 - pre-essential reading prep

5.30 - 6.15 - reading session 1

church thing. home by 8. Hot shower. Cook. 

8.45 - 9.30 - reading session 2

9.30 - 10.15 - reading session 3

Brush. Sleep.