the smallessssst of steps

 what's the mantra? kuzkoooooooooooo. no. 

if it's hard, start small. life can be a series of small, curious and interesting steps. i want to make my family happy. i want to be okay. and i will be okay so long as i remain constantly healthily productive. what is productive is what i wanted to do and is good for me. when it comes to learning, learning is effective when its spaced, active, association-based and difficult. learning is productive when its focused, fun and planned. before my exams, i want to have created comprehensive tests for every topic for myself. i want to have created comprehensive, complexly inter-connected, mindmaps for every topic. i want to have created a well-hit recall spreadsheet. i want to win my small battles in trying to start studying as fast as healthily possible. i want to win the small battles in trying to study with focus, in trying to control my impulses, and in trying to gradually lengthen my attention span. i want to feel like I'm making significant progress in every module every day. i want to pass these exams. i want to survive. i. will. survive. on a more general note, i want to live life like water.  easy, tension-less, congruent, and sure, even though water doesn't know what to be sure of. i want to flow when going to where i have to go comfortably, naturally, willingly. i want to flow easy. i'd rather not move forced and in pain. who would? life is like a tennis match, best when played like water flowing.

nice mantra. 

small step #1: spend 5 minutes on IOE evidence. focused!

a little bit disappointing. I'm not sure whether i needed to do what i did but it cost me time. focus 6/10. achievement 5/10. only went through the subheadings of the lecture. well... i did only have 5 minutes. okay.  achievement 8/10.

small step #2 (this is kinda fun): spend 5 minutes on the land registration lecture.

I'm gonna give myselffffff, focus 7/10. yeah. i wasted a minute on looking at things other than the LR lecture, like the LR notes i have. achievement 7/10. went through the headings and recalled what they mean. 5 minutes, not bad. 

small step #3 (alrighttt, I've been dreading this one. but it's gotta be started): spend 5 minutes going over company law lecture on veil and tort.

I'm a little confused but i got the spirit. okay, I'm very confused. it's hardly familiar. but! I'm encouraged because a lot of it feels like, makes more sense, now, than it ever did, for some reason. it sounds right. it sounds interesting. wow. okay. 

I'm gonna book the court for tomorrow, one sec. aight booked! took a while.

small steppu #4ru (i like not looking at the time, it's quite nice. makes me wonder how big a problem that's actually been and how much that's contributed to everything): spend 10 minutes going over the rest of viking line, EU.

oh? it's been 10 minutes? either that or i forgot to set a timer... nah it feels like over 10 minutes. but that's good, hey! full immersion. focus (10/10). i don't remember drifting or picking at my finger or whatever even once. achievement 6/10. I'm kinda slow. my spelling and whatnot doesn't need to be pretty, y'know? but i spend a lot of time on that. i could've been faster at getting to the point. my notes need to be shorter. i don't need so many words. i don't need so many quotes! if i need quotes ill get them! it's not like I'm gonna remember them! screw quotes. embrace gists! 

good job, anyways I'm gonna hit the hay. focus nightly routine! target: go to bed as soon as healthily possible.

small steps. small steps.

small step #1: 5 minutes of Goods outline. prioritise intense focus.

well done! 8/10 in focus. you got sidetracked momentarily twice, though the first time wasn't your fault. 10/10 in achievement. you finished the outline and understood it.

small step #2: 8 minutes of the citizenship outline. intenseeee focus. 

that was. amazing. 10/10 for focus. more even. that was amazing. so much thought. so immersed. not a single thought away from the topic at hand. there were so many connections i was making i actually arrived at a premature conclusion. i could feel the tensions in the topic. i understood what was potentially irreconcilable, and what was potentially reconcilable dependant on the answers of a few questions. what is EU citizenship for? and is there a point to having an interim EU citizenship that doesn't go all the way? there are valid concerns to national autonomy and welfare, and it doesn't feel like those can be pushed away. even if immigration is positive as a whole in the EU, it may not be in certain countries, and that's unavoidable. maybe the EU can compensate those countries! that sounds like an easy fix! hey! okay, well how about culturally? huh? well I'm tempted to say you countries should suck it up. culture is dynamic and there are plenty of way to protect the past whilst moving into the future. but that's not satisfying. hmmmm. 

anyways, achievement 10/10. even though i went like, 10 minutes past the timer. 

gonna check whatsapp.

okay I'm gonna go home now. hungry and cold. focussedddddd. 

i want to win my small battles in trying to start to study as healthily fast as possible. cycle. cook. eat. shower. study. Go Go Go!!!

i won't defer. i will survive!

i will survive! goddamnit! ughhhh surviving's gonna be tough though. let me see actually if i actually have 3 attempts for every paper. maybe i shouldn't have read that because now I'm terrified. candidates who don't meet the progression requirements as set out in paragraphs 11 and 12 fail the degree. fail the degree. fail. the. degree. oh my god. I'm fighting for my survival. pass pass pass! candidates who fail a year two subject and meet the progression criteria must resit in the IRDAP period. i can't do that! candidates with a fail mark that achieve a particular class of honours will be awarded honours below that they would otherwise receive. i.e.: if i fail one, and get four firsts, i will get a second upper. if i fail one and get a second upper, I'll get a lower second! NOOO. cannot! fruck i have to pass. 

mantra. i am zen. i am calm. i am so much more capable than i fear i am. learning is effective when it is spaced, active, association-based and difficult. learning is productive when it is fun, focussed and planned. 

what i need to aim for: pass in EU, 2.1 in company, first in property, first in evidence

how long do i have?: 11 days (including today) before EU, 23 days before evidence, 30 days before property and 32 days before company.

what's the most effective way to learn everything fast, but also remember everything well, and also think critically about and inter-associate everything they've learned?: 

1. spaced, active, association-based and difficult study techniques
1. i.e.: (SPACED) make a dent in all 4 modules everyday. 
2. (ACTIVE) don't do anything passively. form notes in the form of questions that ask "what's the point? what's the significance? what's the connection?
1. from pre-reading, any relevant questions? 
1. then scan only for the answers.
2. from a paragraph ask, what's the point? why is it important? what is it relevant to? is this a strong or weak point? is this a point i agree with?
1. WIRSA? 
2. this, you either continue reading to find out, or you have to think critically yourself, maybe connecting the paragraph to another paragraph, or to another reading or another point
1. target: comprehensive and complete tests of the topics. 
3. (ASSOCIATION-BASED) after thinking about a point, ask, "where does this point fit in the bigger picture? i.e.: if i described the topic in a mindmap, what would this point connect to and what would it look like?"
1. after fleshing out a point, add it to the larger mindmap of the topic, trying to make as many connections as possible?
1. target: comprehensive, complete, and complexly interconnected mindmap of all chapters.
4. (DIFFICULT)
1. recall! recall! recall!
2. dedicate some time everyday to a chapter you've already learnt!
1. from your question-based notes, test yourself of the answers.
2. from your mindmap, test yourself of the connection. 
3. what's difficult? rewiring your brain. 
1. you have problems. 
1. short attention span
2. poor impulse control
2. battle #1: beginning to study
1. focus in your morning routine
2. focus when taking breaks
3. focus in your bedtime routine
3. battle #2: studying
1. focus in your study timers
2. impulse control - drifting thoughts and bad physical habits
3. short attention span control. 
4. target: the same strict routine every day that is highly productive (i need this to survive) but healthy, sustainable, intuitively and practically easy to follow, and will-power wise, something i will want to implement. 
1. things i cannot care about: what time i wake up. what time i go to bed. go to bed when you're sleepy and not just tired.
2. things i have to care about: how much I've gotten done. my well-being. what i can do to keep the system going. 
3. .
5. battle strategy #1: the battle to start studying
1. morning routine (at whatever time) 
1. focus. as fast as you can, get through ready in the morning and begin studying. 
2. breaks
1. focus. chill. but do not take more time than you know you need. 
3. bedtime routine. (only when sleepy)
1. focus. as fast as you can, go to bed. 
2. .
6. battle strategy #2: the battle to study effectively
1. maintain focus by repetitively defeating your impulses and gradually increasing your attention span. 
1. grade your study sessions out of 10 in terms of focus and achievement in your blog. do not have study sessions go on for too long.
2. maximise recall by studying, in short sessions, every module in succession, then having a recall session (of anything you last recalled a while ago), then repeat.
1. e.g.: eu, evi, comp, prop, recall, evi, prop, comp, eu, recall...
2. target: a well-hit recall spreadsheet

what's your mantra? quick!

if it's hard, start small. life can be a series of small, curious and interesting steps. i want to make my family happy. i want to be okay. so long as i am constantly healthily productive, i will be okay. something is productive if its what i wanted to do and is good for me. learning is effective when its spaced, active, association-based and difficult. learning is productive when its fun, focused and planned. 

yes. anything to add to this mantra?

i want to create comprehensive tests for every topic. i want to create comprehensive, complexly inter-connected mindmaps of every topic. i want to create a well-hit recall spreadsheet. i want to win my small battles to start studying as fast as healthily possible. i want to win my small battles to study with focus, to control my impulses, and to gradually increase my attention span. i want to make progress in every module everyday. i want to pass all my modules. i want to survive. i will survive. 

i want to flow like water. to be easy, comfortable, congruent, and tension-less in everything i do, and to flow to where i have to go, do what i have to do, easily, willingly, and with purpose. life is like a tennis match, best when like water flowing.

small steps

if it's hard, start small. life can be a series of small, curious and learning-filled steps. i want to make my family happy. so long as i constantly think about my work, am constantly mindful and present, and am always productive in a healthy way, i will be okay. 

that last one is difficult.

small step #1: go over your IM notes from yesterday. 10 minutes. prioritise being focussed. no finger picking. no drifting. 

veryyyyy good. very good. i had to go beyond the 10 minute timer to finish the task, but good. focus 9/10. picked my finger and drifted at the same time only once. realised and stopped immediately. in 2 seconds. didn't do it again. was vigilant the whole time against the possibility that i might drift. goal 8/10. finished what i wanted to do, even went past the timer to do it. struck, not 10/10, 8/10, because i should be giving myself more realistic goals. 

gonna continue laundry, check whatsapp and drink.  

well done, for the most part. all morning and afternoon you've done nothing but things you wanted to do and were good for you. hmmmmmm I'm feeling so blegh. come on come on come on. ahhhhhhhhh. good shout

QUICK what's your mantra? I'm thinking of making some additions. something is productive if it's what you want to be doing and is good for you. work should be fun, focussed and planned in detail. learning should be spaced, active, association-based and difficult. 

okay, so the mantra is: 

if it's hard, start small. 

life can be a series of small, curious, learning-filled steps. 

i want to make my family happy. 

so long as i think about work constantly, don't oversleep, and am always healthily productive, i will be okay. 

something is productive if it's what you want to do and is good for you. 

learning is effective if its spaced, active, association-based and difficult. 

DO NOT DEFER. IT WILL NOT BE GOOD FOR YOU. DEFERRAL MEANS TELLING THEM. DEFERRAL MEANS THE STRESS OF APPLYING AND WAITING. DEFERRAL MEANS THE STRESS OF THINKING ABOUT IT FOR 3 MONTHS. DEFERRAL MEANS THE STRESS OF APPLYING AGAIN AND WAITING AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH A MUCH SMALLER LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS. DEFERRAL MEANS THE STRESS OF KNOWING YOU MIGHT HAVE TO PAY THOUSANDS OF RM TO COME TO LONDON FOR A WEEK. DEFERRAL MEANS HAVING TO ASK DADDY FOR THAT. NO WAY. NO WAY. FUCK THAT. THAT'S WHAT DEFERRAL MEANS. DEFERRAL IS TOO MUCH STRESS. JUST PASS COMPANY LAW. 

just pass it. even your worst essay was a 3rd class, and you remember clearly how bad that essay was. failing is impossible. 

for learning to be effective it must be spaced, active, association-based and difficult. 

an hour of company law a day keeps the failure away. keeps the stress away. 

an hour of EU law a day keeps the failure away. 

the rest of the time? property and evidence. many hours of both a day keeps the firsts in mind. 

do not defer. 

small steps

 repeat the mantra. if its hard, start small. life can be a series of small, curious, learning-filled and ufn steps. i want to live for mommy, for daddy. no, no, there isn't a strict obligation, but i do want to keep them happy. i'd rather not make them into shades of themselves. i'd rather not hurt them if i can help it. so i will live. live. live.  and live. oh my god.  stop. you're doing it again fucking extra amygdala synapses. you're dwelling too much on the future, on the possible negative. yes, i understand its a definite negative, but that's not a productive thought. theoretically, it can be all positive small steps. amygdala fuck you. think about the now. 

i want to just do one thing: spend five minutes reading this paper. I'll get back to you once I'm done. 

okay I'm done. 5 minutes are up. that's my first step of the day. how'd it go? not very well. 1/10. spent 4 minutes picking at my finger. spent a sparsed out minute sleepily, passively, hovering over the words I'm meant to understand, thinking about how behind i am in my understanding and all i must do, instead of what it is the words actually mean. 

looking at whatsapp for a bit.

what's the most important bit of the mantra again? as long as i constantly think about my work, and don't oversleep (+don't undersleep, just keep a regular sleeping schedule) and stay mindful, always, i will be okay.

second small step of the day: explore, broadly, the essential reading for the IM topic

done. focus 6/10. i still picked at my finger quite a lot. still thought about other things quite a lot. goal 2/10. i only got past a revision of half the topic outline. i haven't gone through any of the readings. 

I'm checking whatsapp again.

screw notes. screw notes. I'll do what i love and what I'm good at. rereading, but with a twist. re-understanding. re-testing my understanding. i do that 4 times with the ER and skim the further readings, and i'll be set for a 2.2. 

i do that 4 times with the ER AND FR for evidence and property and a first is in the bag. 

i do it twice with property and a pass is in the bag. 

third small step? wait I'm not ready. whats the mantra? small step small step. its hard. fuck you amygdala! fuck you finger pricking habit! if its hard, start small. do it for their happiness. ugh. might have to remove that from the mantra, its more annoying than it is helpful. life can be a series of small, curious steps. that's true. life is beautiful. its a beautiful thing. okay, small step. 

small step 3: go over IM broadly, whilst trying your best to focus. 15 minutes

done. that was better. focus: 6/10. i stopped myself from picking at my finger several times. it was hard. i stopped myself from thinking about irrelevant things several times. was also hard. but i couldn't help but get distracted listening to the conversation immediately next to me. maybe i should go somewhere quieter? no they've stopped. 

checking whatsapp.

woah woah. i feel an immense pull away from my laptop. i recognised it. i suddenly felt repulsed. i suddenly felt like walking to tesco. i rode it out. it honestly, honestly, felt impossible to resist for 20 seconds. 

small steps. what's your mantra. if its hard. that was hard. start small. life is beautiful, and can feel beautiful when lived in small, curious steps. life. huh. small steps. 

small step #4: go over IM broadly, for 10 minutes, and try your best to get focus 10/10. 

that was really good. well done. i tried to pick at my finger like 8 times, but each time i stopped myself within a second. i drifted many times but each time i stopped myself. i was very focussed for 8 minutes, until the couple beside me started talking again. then i couldn't think. but they stopped and i continued for another 5 ish minutes. 

focus 8/10. it'd be so wonderful to go 10 minutes without stopping 8 times to pick my finger, and many times to stop drifting. and i need to find a quieter place to study. goal 7/10. i didn't go through the ERs, but i had very quality thoughts about the topic outline. 

checking whatsapp. 

okay i spent 5 minutes feeling my way back into the mood. to take a small step. 

here's small step number 5: move somewhere quieter, then go over the Viking Line case for 15 minutes. throughout everything, focus 10/10!

I'm very proud of myself. effort:10/10. i tried really hard. I'm getting better at focusing. i only instinctively picked at my finger and drifted off into irrelevant thought 4 times, each time i stopped relatively quickly. by the end i was slightly more hazy but i pulled back and finished the work. 

focus 9/10. for a longer time too! i think that was 20 minutes. 4 or 5 suppressed distractions per 20 minutes is a very good start. goal 8/10. i didn't get very far in the case but i understood the facts and the central issue at hand very well. much better than i initially did.

good 5 steps!!!!!!!!

very proud. :)

I'm gonna play squash now, but before i go, what's the mantra again?

if it's hard, start small. life is beautiful, and can be felt as beautiful if lived in small curious and fun steps. if its hard, and what today has shown, it can get easier with effort, start small.