small steps

 repeat the mantra. if its hard, start small. life can be a series of small, curious, learning-filled and ufn steps. i want to live for mommy, for daddy. no, no, there isn't a strict obligation, but i do want to keep them happy. i'd rather not make them into shades of themselves. i'd rather not hurt them if i can help it. so i will live. live. live.  and live. oh my god.  stop. you're doing it again fucking extra amygdala synapses. you're dwelling too much on the future, on the possible negative. yes, i understand its a definite negative, but that's not a productive thought. theoretically, it can be all positive small steps. amygdala fuck you. think about the now. 

i want to just do one thing: spend five minutes reading this paper. I'll get back to you once I'm done. 

okay I'm done. 5 minutes are up. that's my first step of the day. how'd it go? not very well. 1/10. spent 4 minutes picking at my finger. spent a sparsed out minute sleepily, passively, hovering over the words I'm meant to understand, thinking about how behind i am in my understanding and all i must do, instead of what it is the words actually mean. 

looking at whatsapp for a bit.

what's the most important bit of the mantra again? as long as i constantly think about my work, and don't oversleep (+don't undersleep, just keep a regular sleeping schedule) and stay mindful, always, i will be okay.

second small step of the day: explore, broadly, the essential reading for the IM topic

done. focus 6/10. i still picked at my finger quite a lot. still thought about other things quite a lot. goal 2/10. i only got past a revision of half the topic outline. i haven't gone through any of the readings. 

I'm checking whatsapp again.

screw notes. screw notes. I'll do what i love and what I'm good at. rereading, but with a twist. re-understanding. re-testing my understanding. i do that 4 times with the ER and skim the further readings, and i'll be set for a 2.2. 

i do that 4 times with the ER AND FR for evidence and property and a first is in the bag. 

i do it twice with property and a pass is in the bag. 

third small step? wait I'm not ready. whats the mantra? small step small step. its hard. fuck you amygdala! fuck you finger pricking habit! if its hard, start small. do it for their happiness. ugh. might have to remove that from the mantra, its more annoying than it is helpful. life can be a series of small, curious steps. that's true. life is beautiful. its a beautiful thing. okay, small step. 

small step 3: go over IM broadly, whilst trying your best to focus. 15 minutes

done. that was better. focus: 6/10. i stopped myself from picking at my finger several times. it was hard. i stopped myself from thinking about irrelevant things several times. was also hard. but i couldn't help but get distracted listening to the conversation immediately next to me. maybe i should go somewhere quieter? no they've stopped. 

checking whatsapp.

woah woah. i feel an immense pull away from my laptop. i recognised it. i suddenly felt repulsed. i suddenly felt like walking to tesco. i rode it out. it honestly, honestly, felt impossible to resist for 20 seconds. 

small steps. what's your mantra. if its hard. that was hard. start small. life is beautiful, and can feel beautiful when lived in small, curious steps. life. huh. small steps. 

small step #4: go over IM broadly, for 10 minutes, and try your best to get focus 10/10. 

that was really good. well done. i tried to pick at my finger like 8 times, but each time i stopped myself within a second. i drifted many times but each time i stopped myself. i was very focussed for 8 minutes, until the couple beside me started talking again. then i couldn't think. but they stopped and i continued for another 5 ish minutes. 

focus 8/10. it'd be so wonderful to go 10 minutes without stopping 8 times to pick my finger, and many times to stop drifting. and i need to find a quieter place to study. goal 7/10. i didn't go through the ERs, but i had very quality thoughts about the topic outline. 

checking whatsapp. 

okay i spent 5 minutes feeling my way back into the mood. to take a small step. 

here's small step number 5: move somewhere quieter, then go over the Viking Line case for 15 minutes. throughout everything, focus 10/10!

I'm very proud of myself. effort:10/10. i tried really hard. I'm getting better at focusing. i only instinctively picked at my finger and drifted off into irrelevant thought 4 times, each time i stopped relatively quickly. by the end i was slightly more hazy but i pulled back and finished the work. 

focus 9/10. for a longer time too! i think that was 20 minutes. 4 or 5 suppressed distractions per 20 minutes is a very good start. goal 8/10. i didn't get very far in the case but i understood the facts and the central issue at hand very well. much better than i initially did.

good 5 steps!!!!!!!!

very proud. :)

I'm gonna play squash now, but before i go, what's the mantra again?

if it's hard, start small. life is beautiful, and can be felt as beautiful if lived in small curious and fun steps. if its hard, and what today has shown, it can get easier with effort, start small.